It’s true what they say… It was not love at first sight. In fact I was too groggy from the drugs a day after delivery that I chose not to see you yet. But because of hospital policy, you were brought to me, with all that’s hooked to my body and as I suffered a very strong headache. I was asked to feed you. And with all the strength I could muster and we both fumbled on our first attempts at latching.
Yet, I was very happy to see you- the embodiment of the love and journey your father and I shared the past five years or so. You reminded me of everything good and beautiful that came out of us. You truly are God’s masterpiece and I was delighted to be called your mom.
But not soon afterwards, the reality of being a mother to a newborn hit me. And it was not pretty. Inspite of all the readings I’ve done to prepare myself, I was still clueless. And I didn’t know just how clueless I was until the day we arrived home. You filled our days (and nights) with crying, demanding to be fed, and more crying. I couldn’t understand you, and breastfeeding was extremely difficult. I couldn’t fill your needs, much less fill my own needs as I recover from the operation.
Our first week together was draining and stressful. When I looked at you, I saw not a baby, but an alien who wails and turns red in frustration if no milk comes, who needed my attention 24/7. I barely moved or walked, in fear that you’d wake up and the episodes of crying will begin again.
Week two came and I was getting frustrated at our many unsuccessful attempts at latching, or the thought that I’m not giving you enough milk. The fatigue and sleep deprivation was too much that I lost weight. I found myself teary and lonely most of the time. I wanted to give up and feed you formula milk instead. I confided with friends, mothers with experience and leaned to their advice and encouragement. I asked for prayers. I took courage at the thought that this too shall pass.
On the third week, I began to see the good things in you. You started showing a pattern for when you wanted to sleep and be fed. At night, you started sleeping 3-4 hours at a time. And we were also making progress at latching. Thank God the prayers worked! Its true what they say, it gets better as the days go by.
And now you’re one-month old. You’re showing us your moods and taking interest in your surroundings. You even have a particular time of the day when you’re alert and awake long enough to listen (and respond) to your grandparents’ and aunties’ talk. Also, you don’t cry as loud anymore. And you welcome my cuddles and respond with involuntary smiles. I guess you are already learning to trust us, trust me.
And this is just our first real month together. :) I just want to say that even though my arms numb out from carrying you and my figure doesn’t come back to normal to nourish you enough while you feed, and even though there are more unpredictable happenings down the road… I will stick to this journey with you because you are God’s wonderful gift to us. And I know all these sleepless nights, fatigue and stress will pay off in the end, when we see you growing to be the person God designed you to be.. Be a good boy these next weeks and months of babyhood, okay?
Your father and I love you very much and will continue loving you forever.